I Smell A Rat...A Gym Rat!

Hi friends! Long time, no see can't be arsed! I've come on here to write a post about 3 times over the past few months and nothing comes out, soooooo....BAD BLOGGER ALERT!!! Plus, my laptop is so rickety and old, I can never do anything on it anymore. I like to think of it as an antique. Or vintage cheddar.

Speaking of vintage, my gym recently had a refurb. It's filled with shiny new plastic shit dumbbells, flimsy crap machines and water fountains that produce more than a drip. It was a bit 1970's before, but things were fully functional. Even if they did creak and squeak an awful lot. (Definitely the machines, not the old man on the leg press.) What I'm trying to say is....I am not a fan of change. It puts me right off track and I feel like an absolute nob trying to work out how to use the new mind-boggling equipment which, before, was so damn simple. Modern is not always best!

There is one thing I wouldn't mind changing though. The number of gym rats. You know those guys that really don't have a clue what they're doing and just wander round the gym floor on their phones, probably updating their Facebook status. 'At the gym, building my biceps.' Why not try working something else for a change, man? They're such dorks trying to curl heavy weights in front of the mirror, but look like they're doing the Limbo or some other weird shit, like Zumba. 

Most, if not all gyms have them. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I have taken great pleasure in devising this little list for you on how to spot them.

Pig Grunts. Yeah that's right. Some guys think it's mighty impressive to those around them to let out a disgusting, creepy sexual swine sound after every rep. Bitch please, it's a 10kg barbell (no joke). I just don't get it. Shut the f**k up!! 

Smelly Vests. Gym rats have a tendency to wear stringy type, low-cut vests with some sort of American college logo on the front, usually in yellow, burgundy or green. You know, something that stands out from the rest. They also like to spray the vest with some sort of shit, head-turning fragrance like Tommy Hilfiger or CK One. 

Bench Press Goons. If you see a group of guys gathering round something, but you don't know what, it's almost certainly a bench press. These guys like to have pathetic little contests to see who can bench the most weight. Nothing to do with working out or reaching goals, they just use the gym as some sort of ego building playground. You'll also hear loud laughter, the word 'bruv' used excessively and a shitty grime music ringtone being played for 'motivational' purposes.

Poor Nutrition. Everyone knows that if you want to lose weight, build muscle and just generally be healthy, you've got to eat well consistently. If you hear some Chico Fantazmo boasting about their pre-workout meal from McDonalds and is still slurping on a giant Coca-Cola, then that's a gym rat right there for you. Come on, who does that?! Don't be surprised to see them outside puffing on a dirty fag! 

Evil Looks. As a woman on the weights floor, you will get looks from guys who think girls don't belong there. They'll stand in front of you as you try to work out and take your dumbbells without asking. They seem to think they have priority on the floor, even though they're swinging the dumbbells around like they're at some...I don't know....swingers party! Tell them to get the f**k out!! Chances are you're using much better form than these twats! Maybe they could learn something from you!

Magic Potion. You may see gym rats wolfing down protein shakes like water..(or Coca-Cola). These fools actually believe it's a magic potion to build big muscles without doing any of the hard work. What kind of crazy, witchy world are they from? It's just like people thinking they can pop a few 'diet pills' and drop a few stone by sitting on their arse watching Jezza K!

Chicken Legs. No, not the food kind. Gym rats almost never train their legs. You may see them wearing crap one-stripe jogging bottoms to cover them up. The reason being...well....I don't know. Think they're just genuinely frightened of really hard work. They prefer to work their pigeon chests and puny arms. You know the stuff on show. Rats.

Messy Gym. Well, I think the title speaks for itself. If there are weight plates, dumbbells and crisp packets all over the floor, then most definitely, gym rats have been afoot. No idea why the staff haven't tidied the place up either. It's always me putting shit away. Why? Because I genuinely care about the safety of real human beings.

Biggest tips of all.

1) Never take advice from anyone you suspect is a gym rat. 
2) Always make sure your iPod's charged or you'll be stuck with those tramp noises in your mind forever.
3) Do not make eye contact as they may think you fancy them. 
4) Invest in a good nasal spray to prevent cheap fragrance being trapped in your nostrils.
5) Sainsbury's has 2 for 1 on rodent repellent at the moment.

If you're ever approached by someone you think may be a gym rat, contact a member of staff. Or worse case scenario, the police! Hopefully they'll take away the butthead in the squat rack doing bicep curls wearing bitch mittens and shiny shoes of shitness.

If you have made it this far into the post, you'll see that's it's pretty clear that I hate non-serious gym goers. It really affects the fitness folk who have real dedication and goals etc. You'd think you could just ignore it but it's one of those things that's hard not to look at! Bad form, shit clothes, manky aromas, the list is endless. Do they honestly think they can 'get girls' this way? Not with those pasty chuffer legs!

Working out in the gym is a way of life, not a place to find your third wife!

Jen 

xxx

P.S I may be guilty of owning a vest with an American type logo on it.

P.P.S I will not be wearing it anymore. To the gym anyway.

That's So 90's...

I've been thinking a lot about the 90's lately and this long list of crap came into my head. I think you'll agree with me when I say...THAT'S SO 90'S!!! 

Listening to Brimful Of Asha by Cornershop on your Sony Walkman and having to constantly rewind to make sure you got the lyrics right. Don't you wish you bought that copy of Smash Hits now?

Being sent to bed early for pretending to strut around like Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman, but not being entirely sure why. What did I do?

Feeling like Charlie from Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory when you find a shiny 10p piece by the swings, then run to the shop to buy a Tip Top. Cola flavour....mmmmm!

Thinking you're King of the Playground because most of your Pogs are 'Shinies', and you have a gleaming selection of metal slammers. Shiny or none?

Not making any sense when using the phrase, 'And your Mom', after someone takes the piss out of your 2-stripe tracksuit bottoms. 

Saturday nights were always the sad highlight of the week with You've Been Framed, Blind Date, Stars In Their Eyes and Casualty on the box.

Wishing for a Sega Megadrive for Christmas but having to pretend not to be massively gutted when you excitedly unwrap a Commodore 64. Heart dropping, stomach turning moment or what?

Sellotaping some old brown bathroom carpet to your upper lip, and going to the fancy dress day at school as a Chuckle Brother.

Grabbing a bottle of orangeade when being dragged around Tesco with your Mum, and performing the 'Who loves orange soda?' skit to the shelf stacker.

Spending most of your life and money competing with your friends Nokia 5110 accessories. Flashing aerials, coloured keypads, shiny shit fascias...it wasn't an episode of 'Pimp My Nokia' you know?!

Having the time of your life picking out 100 penny sweets from Forbuoys with your Tooth Fairy money, but not being aware the shop assistant wants to wring your neck for taking the god damn piss!

Getting prepared for a boring Science video when the teacher wheels out the television set in class, then some loser shouts, 'Is Neighbours on?'. Every single time, I swear!

Saving up all your pocket money for months to be able to buy that longed for Benetton jumper or those popular Adidas tracksuit bottoms in black. The blue ones were just not cool enough.

Writing 'Boo' on the bathroom mirror after a shower pretending to be Patrick Swayze from Ghost.

Drawing a Nike tick on literally everything you own, wishing and praying you'll someday be able to afford the real thing. At the same time you're picking paper spitballs our of your hair and ears, because you pronounce it 'Nikee'.

Getting questioned about why your school books are covered in scribbled out love hearts but not wanting to admit you fancy a different person every week.

Going through a whole 6-pack of Yazoo milkshakes because let's face it, they were pretty piss-takingly pointless.

Strolling into a salon with a cut-out from a magazine of Rachel from Friends and asking, 'Can you make me look like this?', only to arrive at school on Monday morning and everyone's got the same 'do. Including the teacher. Who is a man.

Reaching for the tin of Quality Street on the top shelf in the kitchen cupboard, but feeling robbed of happiness when you discover the contents are nothing but nuts and bolts.

Playing Junior Bamboozle on the Channel 4 teletext every Saturday morning then having a look at holidays you will probably never go on.

Thinking you're the first girl at school to wear hipster trousers but then find out the most unfashionable, 'wears a grey skirt to her ankles' type girl beat you to it.

Attempting to fit in with everyone at the cinema by trying to force a tear out when watching Titanic. I just don't cry at movies! There was such a big crying hype about Titanic.

You were only considered fashionable if you wore a sporty brand jacket on top of your school uniform. Most probably Fila or Ellesse but in the odd case, Puma.

You most probably smelled of Impulse, Charlie Red or Kindred Spirit. On a rare occasion, Calvin Klein, but only if you made it in to Boots on a Saturday. Vanilla Musk from The Body Shop was also a big hit.

Discovering Sun-In spray for dying hair after pointless attempts of using those 99p wash-in colour shampoos from Superdrug.

'NOT!!' was a really overused word in the 90's. It wasn't funny then and still in 2013 it's NOT funny. NOT!

Thinking you were so fricking cool keeping an empty bottle of Hooch on display in your bedroom windowsill.

Cutting all the hair off your Troll and drawing a pen line on it's bumcrack just to make him different from the rest.

Rummaging through your bedroom drawers to find your cycling shorts with the neon pink stripes which were buried under your two best shellsuits.

Watching Saved By The Bell at the weekend believing that high school will be just like Bayside when you're older and you can't wait for your luscious good looks and a Zack and Kelly on/off romance.

Passing the time in your I.T lesson by playing Ski Free, Solitaire or just pointlessly filling the page in numerous colours on Microsoft Paint.

Being on BT Cellnet but wishing you were on One2One because that's what everybody else was on at the time. Oh we were so competitive with everything back then weren't we? Ha!

Wishing there would be Pop Tarts in the weekly shop that you were made to unpack but no, just crappy Rice Krispies again. 

Going outside to play and being asked if you want to play 'Kerby' or 'Iyakee'. No I just want to go in the corner and make pretend cakes out of grass and twigs, thanks.

Picking a dandelion for your Mum but being deafened by the laughter of next door's smelly children, because they apparently make you wet yourself. You get back at them by not letting them know you have a dock leaf plant in your garden for when they get stung by nettles. I hated those bloody kids.

Secretly hoping that you too will turn into a witch and have a talking cat when you turn 16. Just like Sabrina.

What do you remember from the 90's? Can you relate to any of this stuff I've remembered lately? Were you guilty of drowning yourself in Vanilla Musk? Were you on BT Cellnet? Did you have brown bathroom carpet too? 

I WANNA KNOW! 

Jen 

xxx

P.S I used to sing Phil Collins in the shower...a lot. I also used to do the Macarena with my dog...a lot.

P.P.S I never got the hang of making daisy chains and I apparently didn't like butter very much because a buttercup held under my chin didn't turn it bright yellow. 

Tales From My Television Set

Sexy, no?

Oh haiii mateys! It's been a long while since my last post...again! YAWN! (Nobody cares, Jen. Haha! I'm such a loser talking to myself in my own blog post!)

I'm currently sat in bed with my cat snoozing away on my legs (which are now dead), recapping on all the television programmes I've managed to watch recently. When I say managed, I mean actually sitting through a whole programme, listening intently and not reaching for my phone every 5 minutes, to post pictures of my dinner or my sleeping cat on Instagram. I really do find it difficult to sit still. Bah!

There is one documentary, which was on the other day, that's really sticking out to me. I literally haven't stopped thinking about it. Richard III: The King In The Car Park. Did you watch it?! I'm so bloody obsessed with all things historical and medieval-like; I've even dreamt about it 3 times this week. It's all a bit fascinatingly eerie, especially when they reconstructed his face! Fit bloke, I must say. Haha! Creepy or what?! Do you know what I found the most creepy? That woman leading the search! She was talking about him like she was his lute playing wife in a former life or something. I know I often say things like, 'I used to be a chimney sweep in a former life', but I think that's acceptable. (I really was. Honest.) It was just the way she looked at the reconstructed face at the end of the programme that freaked me out. Reminded me of Mr Burns from The Simpsons shopping for ketchup or that face Edward Cullen pulls when he kisses Bella for the first time. I honestly believe she thinks she was his medieval wife, you know. Either that or she was his low-paid pheasant plucker, who used to fancy him something rotten, leering at him like a fox on heat from behind the banquet table. Eww! I really need to stop dreaming about it now. 

Awwwwwww! The Secret Life Of Dogs. I was a squeaking wreck watching that, it was stupidly cute. Dogs really are amazing animals and I'm so fricking lucky that I get to work with them. Some of the best friends I have are dogs. Sounds crazy! Humans just don't cut it anymore. (Haha, I'm joking. I love humans.) Dogs will rule the world one day. You'll see. 

Hmm what else have I watched? EastEnders. Ahhh really sad about the Masoods splitting up. Zainab was really annoying though. I saw a whole new side to Masood when he smashed up that ugly as f**k water feature. Quite strapping actually. Aww I love him. (Shut up, Jen.) I'm bloody sick of Alfie and Roxy smooching like a couple of monkeys behind the bar. Urghh! Oh and Max Branning, I've lost all respect for you and that baked bean head of yours. When Abby forced the door open at the B&B to see him sprawled in bed like a mouldy Cheesestring. Urgh what a tramp! (Can I just say, I honestly don't take EastEnders this seriously!! I have no idea why I'm going off on one. It is nearly 2am I suppose.)

Anyone ever watched 'The Sheriffs Are Coming' on BBC1 in the mornings? I would bloody love to meet Lawrence, the powerful one. He's a debt collecting god. I would so buy him a pack of 2 pork pies and a Starbucks. Oh and I like Kev. He has a nice jacket. Some of the people on it are such buttheads though. You owe money you cheapskates, why you showing off to your garden gnomes by being an aggressive gimp? Pay up and piss off back to your pit. 

Are you lot still following me here? Think I'm babbling on a bit. Did you watch 'Dreams Of A Life' on Channel 4 the other night? Powerful, emotional documentary. Watch it on 4OD or something.

So what have you been watching? Can you recommend something to me? 

I'm gonna go now. 

Jen 

xxx

P.S My New Year resolution in Jan 2012 was to never watch a single episode of Jeremy Kyle ever again. I can honestly say to this day, a whole year and a bit later, that I haven't once tuned in to hideous yellow teeth, greasy hair and 'too shit to be considered retro' tracksuit bottoms once! I deserve a prize I reckon. Cheers.

Fitness Is For Life, Not Just For New Year

Hiya pals! Happy New Year and all that SHEBANG (Get it? Fireworks...bang...SHEBANG...I'm so lame. Ha!) 

Wow! I've been a bit lazy with my blogging lately. One post a week slowly turned into one post a month and, embarrassingly, half a post every two fricking months! It's the same with anything though really. For example, amazing 'joint at the arse' friendships that turn into sweet nothingness over time. Or the village cat's doorstep visits suddenly stop because he was only using you for your cat's leftovers, as your cat looks on in the background, his eyes bright green with jealousy. Mow! Anyway, you get the picture...(I'm going to stop with the examples as I don't think I'm making much sense here?!!)

What I'm trying to say is, have you noticed how a lot of people do the same with attending the gym and healthy eating? Especially around New Year. Their New Year resolutions are to 'get fit' and 'go on a diet', but then a week later the gym visits kind of phase out, (a bit like my blog posts) and that bright orange carrot stick suddenly turns into a bright brown chocolate bar. I was definitely one of those people!! Telling yourself you're gonna go to the gym and eat healthily then just NOT, is not going to burn that Christmas Pudding off your arse, you know? Fitness, health and well-being is for LIFE, not just for New Year.

Now, I am in no way a 'fitness freak' or a 'gym bunny,' and I don't work in the fitness industry BUT I highly recommend fitness for many reasons. Fitness to me is very rewarding! (How many times can one say 'fitness'? There I said it again!!) It helps me with a lot of things such as self-confidence, it's improved my physical & mental health, my face doesn't look like a giant Malteser with a Rod Stewart haircut anymore, I'm stronger than I've ever been and guess what? Legs are a lot easier to shave when they're not so damn wobbly! Oooerrr! 

Yes, I do have days (and even weeks) where I feel like I just can't be bothered!!! I just wanna sit and eat crap out of a bag, and I find excuses why I can't get down the gym such as, 'Ohh I don't think I've seen this episode of Friends!' Yeah, like that could ever happen! After a string of excuses, I do feel a wee bit guilty that I didn't go. Boohoo! When that happens, I just try and remember the reasons why I NEED to go. Being a lazy-ass mofo is only fun for so long. Working out doesn't have to be a bore of a chore, you just need to remember the personal reasons why you're doing it.

Ladies, please, please, please remember that lifting weights will NOT make you look like a man! Growing out your facial hair will! I've had people say to me, 'Aren't you worried you'll start to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger?' Erm, shut up! Haha! As if that will ever happen. One, I do not take steroids. Two, I don't have enough man hormone in my body for me to ever come close to looking like a f***ing man! And three, I am not Austrian. I love to lift weights. Good, solid heavy weights! I'm just toning my ass up that's all. If you want to tone, shape and strengthen, I suggest you pick up a couple of dumbbells. Yee haa! Yes, you will lose weight doing cardio but the shape comes from the muscles. If you don't work your muscles, you won't have the shape! Simple.

I've never really spoken about my training before but since March last year, it's really been a passion of mine. I wouldn't recommend it if I thought it was the most crappest, boring, pointless shit in the world. I admit I was one of those people who would decide to go to the gym and then a couple of months later, just give up! That's because I had no idea what I was doing and didn't set myself goals. I felt like a rodent in a room of mouse traps with fit, muscular mice doing bench presses on them. If you make a decent work-out and food plan (easily found online), you'll actually enjoy it more. Trust me!

Happy Pumping!! (Haha, that sounds weird!)

Jen

xxx

P.S Like I said before I am definitely NOT a fitness expert so I'm not sure if mice bench press or not. 

P.P.S Fitness Laugh Of The Day: I heard someone in my gym yesterday tell a personal trainer he wanted to turn his fat into muscle. Unfortunately, there were no magicians on the gym floor.

Oh and you don't need to sit at the dinner table with a measly piece of lettuce on your plate. You can eat! Stay clear of Iceland though. Processed food leads to craptastic mood which then leads to NO GYM! If you can't pronounce any of the ingredients...DON'T EAT IT!

Haha! Do whatever you have to do, I guess!

Merry Christmas, Y'all!

Christmassy Hampstead in London. I always feel like I'm in 1906 when I'm there.

Howdy Partners! 

Just a quicktastic post to say Merry Christmas to you all. Hope whatever you're doing involves fairy lights, glittery sausages, chocolate, booze, parsnips, animals dressed as humans and whatever else you deem Christmassy! 

I'm finally chilling out on the sofa after a rather busy week of preparing Christmas for my loved ones and loved cat, watching Easties and contemplating whether to eat the crappy chocolates that always get left in the box of Roses. You know, the manky orange ones and the chewy caramels? I'm really looking forward to just enjoying the festive season now, eating whatever I want without feeling guilty (well, maybe a little) and having a Christmas tipple of full fat Coke. 

Hope everyone is feeling merry and not...well...unmerry! Yesterday, I went food shopping for some last little bits I needed and I'm pretty sure that visit to Sainsburys destroyed my soul. Trolleys crashing, angry faces, loud tutting, swearing! (Not by me for a change!) All with Wizard playing over the speakers. Now how can you be miserable when listening to that? I think I was the only one smiling even though I was slowly dying inside. It pissed me off a little bit that people were making out everyone under that one roof were evil bastards that were out to get them by beating them to the last bag of cranberries. God, bore off! Everyone's there to do the same thing you know, chill out! Cheer the f**k up before I slap you silly with a bacon rasher! I sincerely hope these people are alright now and not still out searching for cranberries.

Despite the manic bargain shoppers, I've had a relatively stress-free run up to the Festive Frolicking day and I hope you, me old chinas, have too! This is my last post of 2012 now, glad I managed to get one in even though it is quite shit. Haha! Looking forward to writing some more random bollocks in the new year!

Please enjoy these poems I penned last year which I forgot I even wrote!!!

The Christmas Moron http://randomworldofjen.blogspot.co.uk/2011/12/christmas-moron.html

Smelly Acquaintance Be Forgot http://randomworldofjen.blogspot.co.uk/2011/12/smelly-aquaintance-be-forgot.html

Craptasticness Of Shopping http://randomworldofjen.blogspot.co.uk/2011/12/craptasticness-of-shopping.html

Have a good one, guys!

Jen 

xxx

P.S I think my New Year resolution will be to include less curse words in my posts. 

Go Jen Dawg, It's Your Birthday! Erm, Shut Up!

Ahoy there! Haven't seen you lot for a long time. I'm not gonna be all like, 'Ohh, so sorry I haven't blogged in a while, I've been so busy!' and all that crap. For one, I'm not sorry! Nobody gives a flying rat's ass if I haven't blogged and secondly, I haven't been 'so busy', I've just been a bit wedged into the sofa with 2 week old Oreo crumbs and a Canadian coin which the Sainsbury's self checkout wouldn't accept. You know, the usual. 

Can you believe it's November already? The year has gone faster than a take-away slice of a 12 inch Hawaiian in a ravenous pigeon infested car park. Dare I mention the 'C' word? No not that, you filthy soul...CHRISTMAS! Pronounced Crimbo, for the annoying, lazy with the English language folk. (I hate that word. It even hurts to type it.) There also seems to be another event fast approaching. My twenty-something birthday. For some reason though, I'm not even that excited. Sigh.

It's not like the old days anymore is it? When you send out little invitations with giant pink bunnies with ribbons or shiny red racing cars (depending on your gender, or who knows, boys may secretly like giant pink bun buns) and you have a little party at your house with cheesy nibbles in a bowl, pass the odd-shaped parcel and a little bag to take home containing a slice of cake and a deflated balloon. Apologies if I'm all wrong and you're still doing this in your 40's. Ha! 
After this phase, you get a little older and unleash your rebellious streak by hiding in the alley, while your older brother's friend, who carries a ghetto blaster on his shoulder, buys you a bottle of White Lightning's finest cider and a cheap cigar, so you can sit on a climbing frame and get pissed off 2 sips and 1 drag. Again, apologies if you still do this. 

Then...your 18th birthday arrives and you're 'finally legal' to go out properly, wearing a silky sash from Clinton Cards that reads, 'Lock Up Your Sons'. Classy bird alert! You're so fricking high on the fact that you can finally get into a pub without that 'rabbit caught in the headlights' look, when the burly bouncer asks you for your date of birth. Yay! Wow! Down another cocktail, then a Sambuca, then someone's unfinished pint then another Sambuca and then the contents of an ashtray that somebody spilled wine in. Watch out for the broken glass! Everything's a glitzy, glamorous, Julie Andrews spinning on top of a hill blur until you've reached that gleaming, pearly white palace that you've never been before....A & E!! Yeah, that'll teach you. Calm down, 18 year old self, you've got plenty of time for drinking out of ashtrays. (This wasn't me. It was a friend. Honest.)

After all that, 'I'm an adult now' shit, you start to calm down a lot and go for 'prissy old twit' meals with your closest friends and family or significant other, if you're lucky enough to find someone who doesn't mind Sambucafied ashtray breath. You might even be surprised with a cheeky trip to Paris or even Frankie & Benny's, and have a violinist with a drawn on moustache serenade you after the dopey waitress grinded too much pepper on your not so reasonably priced meal. (To be honest, I've never eaten at Frankie & Benny's so I'm not sure if the moustaches are drawn on or not.)

I don't even feel the divine thrills leading up to my birthday anymore. It's weird. I used to be really excited about getting presents, getting drunk, getting serenaded (okay, that never happened) and finding the shoe...in McDonalds not the manky old club I lost it in the night before. What happened?
Well, I think the reason why I'm not that excited about my birthday anymore is because....I hate aging! There I said it! I know people who are older than me think I'm a complete weirdo for even thinking I'm old, but it scares me when I sit and reminisce about the 1990's like Uncle Albert from Only Fools And Horses...'During the war...' Arghhh! Can't I just get bitten on the arse by Edward Cullen and live forever as a 20 something, feasting on wildlife in the forest and sit reading Shakespeare? Okay, let's be serious now....as if I'd be lucky enough to get bitten on the arse by Edward Cullen.

I don't really have a point to this post, I think I'm just blabbing on really. Hope you don't mind. Can I just ask something? Did anyone's dad ever pretend he bought you a really big gift in a really big box but when you open it you find that the contents are actually a really shit mop? Yeah, my 10th birthday was the next chapter in my life of doing household chores. If you've experienced this, will you give me a tweet? I think we would get on really well. Thanks.

Oh, hold on! I do have a point. DRINK RESPONSIBLY!! Ashtrays leave a real nasty aftertaste the next morning you know!

Jen 

xxx

P.S I'm that old, smoking was allowed in pubs when I was 18. Not old enough that people walked around with ghetto blasters on their shoulders though. My brother's friend was just plain weird.

I Often Sit And Wonder...

Hi friends and people I don't know who may want to be my friend! Hope all is splendid in your neck of the woods. Or castle, depending on your living arrangements, you extravagant piece of divinity you!  

I've been having one of those days where I feel shit, tired and basically like Shirley Carter's old boot which she lost in the rubbish outside of the Minute Mart. Yeah...that shitty! Soooo, I've been lounging on the sofa with my duvet, Nigella on the TV and my laptop in front of me, Googling pictures of potatoes and comparing them to Ben Mitchell. In other words...I'M BORED! 

A lot of random thoughts have gone through my head today that I want to share with you. I hope you don't mind, but my cat can only listen to a certain amount before he goes and hides in his portaloo with the Evening Standard. Plus, this is a blog and I figured I should actually use the opportunity to write about myself instead of jazz trumpet playing, pumpkin-headed perverts.

Random Thought Number 1: The Loch Ness Monster

It has always been a dream of mine to visit Scotland, float on a boat for a while with some bananas and tea, and hopefully catch a glimpse of something I'm not even sure exists. I secretly think The Loch Ness Monster is real and has a family who enjoy the odd underwater social gathering once in a while, serving the best fish gruel and canapes. I'm always told it's just a silly old myth though. Please do not mess with my feelings. Are you seriously expecting me to believe the photos that were captured are just mouldy old tyres and rotten logs? Like I said, don't mess with my feelings. Thanks.

Random Thought Number 2: Nanny Wanted

Whenever I'm on Twitter, I sometimes see adverts for jobs that have been retweeted by others, and 'Nanny Wanted' pops up quite a lot. Not sure why, but I always picture Mary Poppins in Victorian London floating down with her magical umbrella. I can't imagine nannies being anyone other than Mary Poppins! Is this a problem? I'm thinking it's because I used to be a chimney sweep in a former life. Do you think this is why?

Random Thought Number 3: Moustache Jumpers

Are these items of clothing a way of saying women should embrace what God gave them and grow out their facial hair? If it is, can I have 10 of these badboy jumpers please? Seriously, I love the fit Victorian man moustache design. Obviously going to be attracted to anything Victorian because you know, chimney sweep and all that?

Random Thought Number 4: Real Life Magazines

I recently went through my annual phase of buying real life magazines. I also recently went through my annual phase of realising that these magazines are just utter shit! I think subconsciously, I only bought them for a laugh as I once found 'The Tightwad Tips' highly amusing. I wonder if putting cat litter in your shoes overnight really does rid the smell? You know what else rids the smell? New shoes! Plus, I'm not a fan of reading about women who get attacked...by their ravioli dinner.

Random Thought Number 5: Is Shirley Coming Back?

I miss Shirl. Eastenders isn't the same without the sound of her hooker boots disappearing into The Vic or behind an alley with a bottle of cheap vodka. Tell you what, old Shirl is amazing at playing a rowdy drunk, you'd think she was like that in real life. Unfortunately she's not. She shops at Tesco for Value Baked Beans just like everybody else. Not very exciting huh? Unless you're a bean fanatic.

Okay, I'm going to have to finish there as I need to go back to lying down and doing nothing. What random thoughts go through your mind when you're comparing people to vegetables? Maybe you're not as sad as me and actually do something when you're bored, like live!

One last thought...I've always imagined Bart Simpson to look like Zack Morris from Saved By The Bell when he grows up. Oh and I religiously watch 3 episodes of Sabrina The Teenage Witch every night! I'm on Season 6 at the mo. Must say I'm not a fan of the 'college years' episodes. Much like I wasn't a fan of Saved By The Bell: The College Years. Does this mean I have a fear of college? I think this has nothing to do with anything but I'm just writing it anyway, is that cool? 

Jen 

xxx

P.S What was with all the fake leather clothing in Season 5 of Sabrina? Even Aunt Hilda rocked some shiny pants in the coffee house! I didn't like that.

P.P.S I enjoy black pudding a bit too much!