Hi friends! Long time, no
Speaking of vintage, my gym recently had a refurb. It's filled with shiny new plastic shit dumbbells, flimsy crap machines and water fountains that produce more than a drip. It was a bit 1970's before, but things were fully functional. Even if they did creak and squeak an awful lot. (Definitely the machines, not the old man on the leg press.) What I'm trying to say is....I am not a fan of change. It puts me right off track and I feel like an absolute nob trying to work out how to use the new mind-boggling equipment which, before, was so damn simple. Modern is not always best!
There is one thing I wouldn't mind changing though. The number of gym rats. You know those guys that really don't have a clue what they're doing and just wander round the gym floor on their phones, probably updating their Facebook status. 'At the gym, building my biceps.' Why not try working something else for a change, man? They're such dorks trying to curl heavy weights in front of the mirror, but look like they're doing the Limbo or some other weird shit, like Zumba.
Most, if not all gyms have them. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I have taken great pleasure in devising this little list for you on how to spot them.
Pig Grunts. Yeah that's right. Some guys think it's mighty impressive to those around them to let out a disgusting, creepy sexual swine sound after every rep. Bitch please, it's a 10kg barbell (no joke). I just don't get it. Shut the f**k up!!
Smelly Vests. Gym rats have a tendency to wear stringy type, low-cut vests with some sort of American college logo on the front, usually in yellow, burgundy or green. You know, something that stands out from the rest. They also like to spray the vest with some sort of shit, head-turning fragrance like Tommy Hilfiger or CK One.
Bench Press Goons. If you see a group of guys gathering round something, but you don't know what, it's almost certainly a bench press. These guys like to have pathetic little contests to see who can bench the most weight. Nothing to do with working out or reaching goals, they just use the gym as some sort of ego building playground. You'll also hear loud laughter, the word 'bruv' used excessively and a shitty grime music ringtone being played for 'motivational' purposes.
Poor Nutrition. Everyone knows that if you want to lose weight, build muscle and just generally be healthy, you've got to eat well consistently. If you hear some Chico Fantazmo boasting about their pre-workout meal from McDonalds and is still slurping on a giant Coca-Cola, then that's a gym rat right there for you. Come on, who does that?! Don't be surprised to see them outside puffing on a dirty fag!
Evil Looks. As a woman on the weights floor, you will get looks from guys who think girls don't belong there. They'll stand in front of you as you try to work out and take your dumbbells without asking. They seem to think they have priority on the floor, even though they're swinging the dumbbells around like they're at some...I don't know....swingers party! Tell them to get the f**k out!! Chances are you're using much better form than these twats! Maybe they could learn something from you!
Chicken Legs. No, not the food kind. Gym rats almost never train their legs. You may see them wearing crap one-stripe jogging bottoms to cover them up. The reason being...well....I don't know. Think they're just genuinely frightened of really hard work. They prefer to work their pigeon chests and puny arms. You know the stuff on show. Rats.
Messy Gym. Well, I think the title speaks for itself. If there are weight plates, dumbbells and crisp packets all over the floor, then most definitely, gym rats have been afoot. No idea why the staff haven't tidied the place up either. It's always me putting shit away. Why? Because I genuinely care about the safety of real human beings.
Biggest tips of all.
1) Never take advice from anyone you suspect is a gym rat.
2) Always make sure your iPod's charged or you'll be stuck with those tramp noises in your mind forever.
3) Do not make eye contact as they may think you fancy them.
4) Invest in a good nasal spray to prevent cheap fragrance being trapped in your nostrils.
5) Sainsbury's has 2 for 1 on rodent repellent at the moment.
P.S I may be guilty of owning a vest with an American type logo on it.
P.P.S I will not be wearing it anymore. To the gym anyway.